Deja vu

The countdown has begun to my 6th and final round of chemotherapy. Treatment is scheduled less than 2 weeks away. However, I am sick again. I know this was all my own doing. I was feeling good, so I did too much. Basically, I got out to see people, did a bit of running, and got sick. I currently have a sore throat and fever along with increased fatigue.

Did I say I was frustrated? I have to admit I'm sick of being sick, whether it's from an infection or leukemia symptoms or chemotherapy side effects. You know what's it's like to get the flu and you can't do anything, feel miserable, wonder when you're going to feel good again... Well, imagine that times 5 Years. I have pretty much felt like crap for 5 Years! I've done a good job ignoring most of my symptoms and getting out and doing things by pushing aside pain and making myself have energy, even if the energy wasn't there. However at the moment, I'm tired of being sick.

Ok, enough ranting. I'm looking beyond this last round of chemo to when I find out how well the last six months of chemotherapy have worked. That's the true test. I'll get over this current infection and I am thrilled to say that most of my leukemia symptoms have disappeared. I especially like that almost all of my pain from the leukemia is gone. It's been a long time since I have been free of pain. I'm also looking forward to my immune system rebounding, so I can get out and "do too much" and not get sick!

So now a word to the wise. Time to save up your energy and be forewarned, because the Wildwood Diva will be soon be out-and-about! =)

How to Make Chemotherapy Fun

I sailed through Round 5 without any issues. I'm sitting here scratching my head, thinking did it really happen? The only reason I know it did is that I'm borderline nauseous even with my grocery cart of anti-nausea drugs. Oh yeah, and the fact that I'm sleeping about 16 hours a day. My sister and Dan did all the Rounds with the dirty work which included watching me turn green, cleaning up barf, feeding me if I was able to eat, and wondering if after so many hours sleeping I was still breathing. But this Round was different. I had fun this round because first off, I knew to keep loaded with anti-nausea drugs and second, I had a relay team of help, so I felt like I was in social hour. I got to catch-up with some of my friends which made me happy, even as I was getting chemo plumbed in.

I have to say Day 2 was the most fun for a variety of reasons. As I'm bouncing off the walls from the cafe mocha that Kim bought me, I came down off the ceiling for a moment to let my doctor know how much I appreciate all the care and concern he has given me! He truly is The Best!!! After treatment, Kim and I met up with Steven to pick up some meals he made for me. Oh yeah, why not have another espresso?! We stuck to caffeine even though you see all the wine bottles behind us. Kim got me home in time before I passed out and she would have had to drag me into the house to bed. I slept the rest of the afternoon. Had dinner and slept till morning. I think I have to put this as one of my all time most fun days at chemo. If being happy adds to the healing process, I'd say those chemo drugs got a big boost of happiness help this Round!

Did You Say "Great News!"

Thoughts from Wiki: Did I hear "Great News!"? That's even better than "Do you want a treat?".

I'm embarrassed to say that I was so caught up in when Round 5 of chemotherapy was going to get going, that I forgot to tell you about the great news I received at my oncologist appointment on Monday. It was clearly a case of losing sight of what the real goal is-"Getting Rid of the Leukemia" and not "When is chemotherapy ever going to end?" What a huge thing to lose sight of, but we do that so often in our lives. We get so focused on the going through the motions that we forget why we we're doing what we're doing. We don't even see that we already have what we're working to achieve, if we only pause for a moment and breathe.

Ok, now the great news. Drumroll, please. All my tumors are gone! From physical examination, all my tumors are gone! You know, that sounds soooo good that I think I'll say it again and again, all my tumors are gone! Not to put a damper on the news because I don't want to and I'm not meaning to, but we won't know if the cancer is gone or for sure if the internal tumors are gone until I have all the post-chemotherapy tests in July. But in the meantime, I'm thrilled (what an understatement) that all my tumors are gone!

Floating on Cloud 9,

Wildwood Diva

Round 5 Finally Scheduled

I'll be starting my fifth round of chemotherapy on Thursday, May 8. I'll have the usual 3 days, finishing this round on Saturday. I've still got some lingering flu symptoms, but my doctor is hoping a couple more days of antibiotics will help clear them up. My blood counts looked great, so even with an infection they recovered well from the Round 4 treatment.

I'm thrilled to be moving forward, since it brings me closer to the finish line. I see Round 6 on the horizon with a healing summer shining up behind it.

Round 5 Still in Question

The antibiotics have worked getting rid of the secondary infection that was setting up in my chest and sinuses. I still must have the flu virus hanging around because I have a few symptoms; off-key voice and coughing, although my energy is much better. Yesterday I was thinking I would be good to go for chemotherapy this week, but then I had a rough patch of coughing last night. So, now I'm wondering if chemo will be this week or next? Well, the question will be answered shortly, as I'm scheduled to see my oncologist this afternoon.

My sister took off yesterday to Texas to see her daughters that are in college. Her husband flew in from Indonesia, because my niece is graduating this week. Well, my sister left with the flu I gave her. I told her to tell her family that she brought a little bit of Kit with her and that I was willing to share.

Flu Worsening

My flu is worsening. I spent most of last night trying to stop coughing. I finally propped myself in a seated position and was able to get a bit of sleep. It has moved into my upper chest and sinuses and my throat is really raw. Plus I still sound like a croaking frog when I speak. Too bad I don't have a bit more spunk to use my voice in a few crank calls.

My doctor has ordered some antibiotics to prevent this infection from spiralling out of control. He had tentatively scheduled me to start Round 5 next week, but that will probably not happen. It is a day-to-day evaluation.

Round 5 Postponed

I was scheduled to begin Round 5 of chemotherapy treatment this week. Unfortunately, I picked up a cold on Sunday, currently with a sore throat, laryngitis and body aches. It won't be a good scenario, if it moves into my chest or I start having fevers. As it is, starting another round of chemo when I'm sick would be a recipe for disaster. I talked with my doctor and he has delayed Round 5 for a week. Bummer to be sick. Bummer to have to delay chemo.

My sister flew in from Indonesia to be with me this week while I was in chemo. She is scheduled to leave Sunday. Thus, she will be able to help me out while I'm sick, but I will need help next week while I'm in chemo. I guess the universe is going to force me to accept help from others, besides Dan or my sisters! That's not something I'm good at. If I get well in time for chemo next week I will need help, yes, that's right, need help-May 6 through 9 for sure. Picking me up and driving me to UW, keeping me company during chemo, bringing me home, pet chores, cooking meals, oh my gosh, the list goes on, basically taking care of me. If you're interested, please send me an email to my yahoo address. Please, please, realize this is incredibly hard for me to not only ask for help, but then to accept it. I need to know that I'm not inconviencing you, that I'm not adding to an already overscheduled day. Thanks for your sweet understanding.

The whispering Wildwood Diva

Twice is Too Much

I had an infusion yesterday of intravenous Immunoglobulin (IVIg). It's a collection of human antibodies from 3000 to 10,000 different people. Not the safest product to have being pumped into my body, nasty viruses can slip through the purification process, but IVIg has kept me alive the last 4 years. It helps my body fight off infections, since my immune system hasn't worked too well the last few years.

So, what are you looking at in the picture? It's the port in my chest which they now use to administer chemo, IVIg, anything that is going into my blood. The picture shows it accessed, meaning there is a big needle in it and it is covered with a bandage. The port is raised up about 1/4 to 1/2 inch under my skin. It is easily seen when it's not covered with a bandage. The dark line on the side is the scar from the surgery when they put the port under my skin. (see my blog Dec. 7, '07 for the port surgery story). The big "vein" running from the scar up my chest toward my neck is actually the plastic tubing under my skin. It goes into a vein by my neck and down towards my heart. The port is supposed to be easy to access. No problems, stick once, it's ready, unlike arm IVs which aren't always easy to hit. Well, yesterday, the nurse had to stick my port twice. Ugh. I had put topical lidocaine on it to numb it first, but I still feel the needle going through my chest. The needle must have been defective because the nurse could get blood flow out but couldn't put any liquid in. She messed around with the needle, moving it and trying to reposition it. She said, "I've never had this happen before". I don't know how many times I have heard medical professionals say that about different procedures, drugs, etc. involving me. I'm the anomaly. I wake up during surgery with general anesthesia, but that's another story. Finally, I told her to take the needle out and put another one in. After sticking me a second time, the port IV worked correctly. She said, "You were very brave." I thanked her but thought, "Do I really have a choice? Tell her "No, I'm not having a needle stuck in my chest twice, so I'll skip my lifesaving medicine?" Obviously, not.

I took the picture because over the next 1 1/2 hours my chest hurt. To put it mildly, it doesn't feel good to have a needle stuck into my chest. It doesn't help that my body really doesn't want the port because it has surrounded it with scar tissue making it really, really sensitive. Thus, with the nurse jostling it around, my chest felt bruised. To top it off, I could feel the saline drip going into my chest and it burned because it was cold. I took the picture to remind myself down the road what I went through, yet I did it, and I'm better as a result.

Nothing is Impossible

Like the title says, "Nothing is Impossible." Well, except living forever, but that's not what I'm thinking about. I'm thinking, "Why do we limit ourselves?" It's so easy to talk oneself out of something before even giving it a shot. That's the failure. Never even seeing what we're capable of. Well, in case you're wondering, I'm giving life my best shot.

This week I crossed a new bridge. The thought, "I have today. I have today to live. Not in 6 weeks when I'm done with chemo. Not in July when I have tons of tests run to see if the chemo worked. But yes, I have today". It dawned on me this week. Not that I haven't thought it many times before, but this time it really sunk in. I think I've done a pretty good job the last 7 years living with leukemia and making the most of my life not letting the disease control me. It has taken away many aspects of my life, but I have always adapted to the changes by making them my new normal. Somehow pulling out the Big Guns Chemotherapy, the drug combination that is supposed to be my best chance of buying some more time on this planet, has made me think about a whole series of black holes about the future. I was spending too much time thinking about, "What if....?" So, I crossed the bridge leaving the "What if's" behind. I will live today, making the most of today, because I have today. That is the lesson that leukemia taught me. I realized Regret looks behind living in the past at what "went wrong", Worry looks around wasting energy on what if's that may never happen, but Hope looks forward to making the most of the time we still have. I choose Hope.

So, one of the things I did to make the most of today was to spend the evening with a bunch of friends, celebrating a friend's 40th birthday, but first about 15 of us went for a run. I ran over 5 miles. It is the farthest I've run since my last marathon in November. Was the run easy? No. Did I feel good? No, I had abdominal pain the whole time and had no mojo in my legs. Did it make me happy to run? Yes. Did I think I could run over 5 miles before I started? No, but I took the first steps and told myself that I would run as far as I could and that I wanted to run the whole way. It's so amazing what we are capable of, if we only believe we can.

Burning bright,

Wildwood Diva

Four Down, Two To Go

Wow, Round 4 went quick! I started chemo on Tuesday at 4:30pm and finished up around 9:30pm, sleeping through most of it. Day 2 chemo didn't start until 2pm, so I was able to enjoy some of the warm sunshine that we had. I slept through the three hours of chemo on Thursday and came home to continue sleeping. So, I guess with all the sleeping and pounding my favorite cocktail (anti-emetic, that is) continuously, this round seemed pretty easy. With all the "beauty rest" I'm getting, I figure I'll look 25 when I'm finished with chemo! I feel the wobbliness in my legs and my body still wants to head to bed, but hey, I'll take those feelings over hugging the cold, white porcelain any day.

WooHoo! Only 2 more rounds to go!!!!!!!